Why do Survivors of Sexual Abuse feel shame?
- 2 days ago
- 5 min read
Recently, Gisèle Pelicot spoke the words: “Shame must change sides.”
It is a simple sentence, but for many survivors of sexual abuse and abusive relationships, it speaks directly to something that often sits quietly underneath trauma for years: shame.
But why do survivors of sexual abuse feel shame?
It's not always obvious. Not always spoken about. But often deeply carried.
And more often than not, it is carried by the wrong person.
Many survivors of sexual abuse experience shame, guilt, confusion, or self-blame after trauma. Even when somebody logically knows the abuse was not their fault, emotionally it can feel very different.
Because trauma affects far more than thoughts. It affects the nervous system, identity, relationships, and sense of safety in the world. Even when somebody logically knows the abuse was not their fault, emotionally it can feel very different.
Why Do Survivors Blame Themselves After Sexual Abuse?
One of the most painful effects of trauma is the way survivors often turn responsibility inward. Many people find themselves thinking:
“Why didn’t I stop it?”
“I should have known.”
“Maybe I gave the wrong impression.”
“Why didn’t I leave sooner?”
“Why do I still miss them?”
These thoughts can feel deeply convincing after abuse. But self-blame is often part of how the nervous system tries to survive overwhelming experiences.
When somebody experiences sexual abuse, coercion, manipulation, or violence - especially during childhood or within close relationships - the brain often searches for a way to make sense of something deeply frightening or emotionally overwhelming.
For children especially, attachment often comes before truth.
A child cannot easily process the reality that the people meant to protect or care for them caused harm. So the nervous system may adapt by turning blame inward instead.
Believing “It must be me” can sometimes feel psychologically safer than accepting: “Somebody I trusted hurt me.”
Over time, shame can stop feeling like an emotion and begin to feel like identity.
Understanding Trauma Responses After Abuse
Many survivors also feel shame about how they responded during abuse. Some froze. Some stayed silent. Some complied. Some dissociated. Some remained in the relationship long after recognising something felt wrong.
These are common trauma responses.
The nervous system is designed to survive danger, not to respond perfectly. When fighting or escaping does not feel possible or safe, the body may automatically move into:
freeze
fawn
shutdown
dissociation
or emotional numbness
These responses are survival responses. They are not weakness. And they are not consent.
Many survivors judge themselves harshly afterwards because they expected themselves to react differently. But trauma responses happen automatically. The body’s priority is survival.
If shame, confusion, or self-blame after abuse feels familiar to you, I’ve created a free psychoeducational guide called: Understanding Shame After Abuse: When the Shame Was Never Yours
It explores trauma responses, shame, attachment, and the emotional impact of abuse in a gentle, trauma-informed way.
You can access it here:
Is It Normal to Still Love an Abuser?
This is one of the questions many survivors feel most ashamed to ask. People often wonder:
“Why do I still love them?”
“Why do I miss them?”
“Why do I still feel emotionally attached to somebody who hurt me?”
Trauma bonds are emotionally complex.
Abusive relationships are rarely abusive all the time. They often involve moments of affection, closeness, reassurance, dependency, hope, or emotional intensity alongside fear and harm.
The nervous system can become deeply attached to the cycle itself. Loving somebody who abused you does not mean the abuse was okay. It means attachment and trauma can become deeply intertwined.
For many survivors, part of healing involves slowly separating attachment from emotional safety.
Anger, Rage, and Conflicting Feelings After Abuse
Many survivors also experience intense anger toward the person who harmed them. There may be:
rage
grief
numbness
confusion
hatred
fantasies about revenge
or moments of sadness and longing all at once
Trauma recovery is rarely emotionally straightforward.
For some survivors, anger appears when the nervous system finally begins to recognise:
“What happened to me was wrong.”
Conflicting emotions after abuse are common, particularly where attachment, dependency, fear, or trauma bonding existed alongside harm.
Healing From Shame After Trauma
Healing after sexual abuse is not about “just moving on.”
And healing shame is rarely about forcing yourself to think differently.
For many survivors, healing begins more gently through:
understanding trauma responses
reducing self-blame
recognising survival patterns
rebuilding emotional safety
and slowly separating identity from what happened to them
Many people who experience trauma spend years believing they are broken, when in reality they are living with the effects of overwhelming experiences that were never properly understood, supported, or processed.
Shame Must Change Sides
The shame never belonged to the survivor. It belonged to the person who caused harm.
But trauma has a way of reversing responsibility, leaving survivors carrying emotional pain that was never theirs to hold.
And that is why the words: “Shame must change sides” resonate so deeply for so many people.
Because healing is not only about recovering from trauma, it is also about slowly recognising that the shame was never yours in the first place.
Frequently Asked Questions About Trauma and Shame
Is it normal to feel guilty after sexual abuse?
Yes. Many survivors experience guilt and shame after abuse, even though the abuse was not their fault. Trauma can cause people to internalise blame as a way of making sense of overwhelming experiences.
Why do survivors stay in abusive relationships?
Trauma bonds, fear, attachment wounds, manipulation, financial dependence, and nervous system survival responses can all make leaving abusive relationships extremely difficult.
Can you still love somebody who abused you?
Yes. Many survivors continue to feel attachment, grief, confusion, or love toward somebody who harmed them. This does not make the abuse acceptable. Or make the survivor responsible in any way.
What are common trauma responses after abuse?
Common trauma responses can include freeze, dissociation, hypervigilance, emotional numbness, anxiety, shutdown, panic, and difficulty trusting others.
If Reading This Has Brought Up Difficult Feelings
Topics around trauma, sexual abuse, and abusive relationships can bring up strong emotional responses. If you are feeling overwhelmed, unsafe, or in crisis, it may feel important to reach out for support rather than coping alone.
You can contact:
Emergency Services: Call 999 if you are in immediate danger.
NHS 111: For urgent mental health support and guidance.
Samaritans UK — Call 116 123 for free, 24-hour emotional support.
Refuge — Support for women experiencing domestic abuse.
Women’s Aid — Information and support around domestic abuse and safety.
Rape Crisis England & Wales — Support for people affected by sexual violence and abuse.
Victim Support — Emotional and practical support for victims of crime and abuse.
This blog is intended for psychoeducation and reflection and is not a substitute for therapy, crisis support, or medical advice.
If This Blog Resonated With You…
My newsletter, From Survival to Strength, is a gentle, trauma-informed space where I share reflections, psychoeducation, and supportive resources around:
trauma
attachment
abusive relationships
shame
nervous system responses
and emotional healing
You can join the newsletter here: From Survival to Strength Newsletter
Subscribers also receive the free guide:
Understanding Shame After Abuse: When the Shame Was Never Yours
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