What are Attachment Styles and how do they affect your relationship habits?
- Laura Uezzell
- Jan 21
- 6 min read
Have you ever searched on the internet for things like:
Why do I get attached so quickly?
Why do I always feel like they’re going to leave me?
Why do I overthink everything in relationships?
Why do I push people away when I like them?
Why do I shut down during arguments?
Why do I keep choosing emotionally unavailable people?
Why do I miss someone who treated me badly?
If yes, keep reading …
Because a lot of the time, it’s not that you’re “too needy”, “too intense”, or “bad at relationships”. It’s more that you’ve picked up a certain way of coping in relationships and it keeps showing up, even when you want to do things differently.
That’s what people mean by attachment styles.
What Are Attachment Styles? (in plain English)
Your attachment style is the way you tend to act in relationships when you really care about someone.
It’s how you usually respond when you feel:
unsure where you stand
ignored or rejected
worried they’ll lose interest
stressed by arguments
scared of getting hurt
Some people respond by chasing closeness. Some people respond by pulling away. Some people do both.
How Do Attachment Styles Form? (from Childhood to Adulthood)
Attachment styles often start early in life, based on what love felt like growing up.
Not in a dramatic “big trauma story” way, just in the everyday things like:
did someone comfort you when you were upset?
did you feel noticed most of the time?
were your feelings taken seriously or brushed off?
did you feel like you could ask for help?
did you learn to “keep it together” so you didn’t cause problems?
These early experiences can shape what you expect in adult relationships, even if you’ve had a totally normal upbringing on paper.
The 4 Attachment Styles ( Signs, Habits and How They Feel)
1) Secure Attachment Style
What is Secure Attachment?
Secure attachment is when you can be close to someone without feeling on edge.
You trust that someone likes you, and you don’t feel like you have to work hard to keep them.
Signs of Secure Attachment
You might:
feel calm in relationships
speak up without fear it will ruin everything
handle disagreements without panicking
trust someone even when they’re busy or having a quiet day
Secure Attachment relationship habits
Secure people tend to:
choose partners who show up consistently
communicate clearly
walk away from poor treatment sooner
feel confident being themselves
How Secure Attachment feels
“I don’t feel like I’m always guessing.”
“I feel settled.”
“I don’t feel like I have to chase love.”
2) Anxious Attachment Style
What is Anxious Attachment?
Anxious attachment is when you want closeness, but relationships make you feel stressed because you can’t fully relax. It can feel like you’re always wondering:
“Are we okay?”
Signs of Anxious Attachment
You might:
feel anxious if someone takes ages to reply
worry they’ll lose interest
overthink their tone or energy
feel embarrassed by how much you care
need reassurance but feel guilty for needing it
Anxious Attachment: what people Google
Why do I get attached so quickly?
Why do I need reassurance all the time?
Why do I overthink texts and messages?
Why do I feel anxious in relationships?
Why do I feel jealous so easily?
Why do I always feel like I’m not enough?
Anxious Attachment relationship habits
This often turns into "bad" habits, such as:
double texting
checking when they were last online
reading into silence
over-explaining yourself
trying to be “easy going” so they don’t leave
over giving to keep someone interested
staying in relationships where you’re not treated properly
getting attached to people who give mixed signals
How Anxious Attachment feels in a relationship
“I hate not knowing where I stand.”
“I always feel like I care more.”
“I just want to feel chosen.”
“I don’t feel calm, even when things are going well.”
3) Avoidant Attachment Style
What is Avoidant Attachment?
Avoidant attachment is when closeness can start to feel like pressure.
You might like someone… but once it gets serious, emotional, or intense, you feel the urge to pull away.
Signs of Avoidant Attachment
You might:
shut down during arguments
struggle to talk about your feelings
feel overwhelmed by emotional conversations
feel irritated when someone wants reassurance
need a lot of space to feel okay again
Avoidant Attachment: what people Google
Why do I shut down in arguments?
Why do I pull away when someone likes me?
Why do I feel trapped in relationships?
Why do I lose feelings suddenly?
Why do I hate talking about feelings?
Why do relationships feel exhausting?
Avoidant Attachment relationship habits
This can show up as "bad" relationship habits, such as:
ignoring messages because you feel overwhelmed
going quiet instead of talking
avoiding serious relationship conversations
keeping things casual so it doesn’t feel intense
ending it suddenly rather than working it out
picking faults to justify pulling away
choosing people who don’t ask much of you
How Avoidant Attachment feels in a relationship
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I feel suffocated.”
“I need space.”
“It’s easier not to talk about it.”
4) Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
What is Fearful Avoidant Attachment?
Fearful avoidant attachment is when you want love, but you can’t relax in it.
You might crave closeness, but once it’s there you feel stressed, doubtful, overwhelmed, or suddenly disconnected.
It can feel like: “Don’t leave me… but don’t get too close.”
Signs of Fearful Avoidant Attachment
You might:
get attached quickly, then want to run
go hot and cold in relationships
feel obsessed, then numb
struggle to trust steady love
push people away and regret it later
Fearful Avoidant Attachment: what people Google
Why do I push people away then regret it?
Why do I sabotage relationships?
Why do I miss someone who treated me badly?
Why do I keep going back to the same person?
Why am I hot and cold?
Why do I want love but panic when I get it?
Fearful Avoidant Attachment relationship habits
This often turns into "bad" habits, such as:
breaking up and getting back together
pulling away after intimacy
testing someone to see if they really care
staying stuck on someone who isn’t good for you
starting arguments when things feel calm
running from people who treat you well
going back to people who don’t
How Fearful Avoidant Attachment feels in a relationship
“I don’t trust myself.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“I feel all over the place.”
“I want love but it makes me anxious.”
Which Attachment Style Am I? (Quick Summary)
If you often feel:
anxious, clingy, panicky → you may lean anxious
numb, irritated, distant → you may lean avoidant
both, depending on the person → you may lean fearful avoidant
steady and calm → you may lean secure
And most importantly: loads of people are a mix. You can lean one way in one relationship and differently in another.
How Attachment Styles Cause Repeating Relationship Patterns
This is why you can tell yourself:
“I won’t do this again”
“I won’t chase”
“I won’t ignore red flags”
“I won’t settle”
…and then you meet someone you really like and suddenly you’re back in the same loop.
Attachment styles often show up when love feels uncertain.
Because uncertainty can make you:
overthink
shut down
over give
push away
hold on too tightly
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes. Because these aren’t personality traits. They’re relationship habits. And relationship habits can change.
You can learn to:
stop overthinking every message
stop feeling like you’re “too much”
stop shutting down when things feel tense
stop picking people who can’t meet you properly
feel calmer and more confident in relationships
If This Blog Felt A Bit Too Familiar…
If you recognised yourself in any of these, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.
It means you’ve learned ways of coping in relationships that once made sense — but might not be helping you now.
And that can change.
Want Support With Relationship Patterns?
If relationships keep bringing out anxiety, overthinking, shutting down, or feeling unsure where you stand, counselling can help you understand your relationship habits and start changing them in a way that feels realistic.
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