“Why Do I Feel So Much Shame?” Understanding the Hidden Impact of Trauma and Abuse
- luezzell9
- Oct 5
- 3 min read
Why Do I Feel So Much Shame?
You might find yourself thinking, “I should be over this by now.” Or, “Why did I put up with so much? Why didn’t I walk away sooner?”
That voice of shame can feel relentless — making you question your worth, your choices, and even your ability to heal.
And to make things worse, people around you might say things like:
“Why didn’t you leave?”
“Why do you keep ending up in the same type of relationship?”
“It’s time to move on.”
But shame doesn’t just disappear because someone tells you it should.
When Shame Isn’t Yours to Carry
Many survivors of domestic abuse and relational trauma carry deep shame, even though none of it was their fault.
Abuse teaches you to blame yourself. Abusers use shame as a tool — convincing you that you’re the problem, that you’re too much, or not enough. Over time, that message seeps in until you carry it as though it belongs to you.
But shame is not proof of failure. Shame is the echo of what was done to you.
Why Patterns Repeat (and Why It’s Not Your Fault)
One of the hardest things survivors tell me is: “I can’t believe I ended up in another relationship like that.”
It’s easy to blame yourself. But repeating patterns isn’t about weakness or bad judgment — it’s about survival.
What’s familiar often feels safer than the unknown, even if it hurts.
If your nervous system adapted to danger in the past, it may unconsciously seek out the familiar again.
Your higher tolerance for harmful behaviour isn’t proof you “chose badly.” It’s proof you’ve survived what others might not have endured.
Healing isn’t about judging yourself for those patterns. It’s about gently teaching your system a new way forward.
The Hidden Role of Tolerance
If you’ve experienced abuse, your threshold for what you can tolerate is often much higher. You’ve endured so much before and survived.
But this doesn’t mean you should continue tolerating harm. It means your nervous system learned to endure because it had to.
Healing involves relearning healthy thresholds:
Recognising when something feels unsafe, even if it feels familiar.
Understanding that discomfort isn’t always danger.
Building boundaries that protect your wellbeing.
Boundaries aren’t rejection. They’re protection. And learning them isn’t selfish — it’s survival turning into healing.
What Healing From Shame Might Look Like
Healing shame isn’t about ignoring it or pretending it doesn’t hurt. It’s about slowly separating yourself from it, piece by piece.
In counselling, this might look like:
Naming shame when it shows up, instead of carrying it silently.
Exploring the stories your nervous system is still holding onto — like “I’m not good enough” or “It must have been my fault.”
Beginning to replace shame with compassion: “I survived the best I could. It wasn’t my fault.”
Relearning boundaries and tolerances, so you no longer settle for what once felt “normal.”
Shame Isn’t a Life Sentence
Carrying shame can make you feel unworthy of help, connection, or love. But shame isn’t the truth of who you are.
It’s what you learned in unsafe environments. And just as you learned shame, you can learn freedom from it too.
Counselling creates a safe space to gently lay down the shame you were never meant to carry, and to rebuild self-worth from the inside out.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve ever thought, “Why do I feel so much shame?” or “Why do I keep ending up here again?” you’re not alone. And you’re not failing.
Shame is the residue of trauma, not a reflection of your worth. Healing begins when shame is spoken, understood, and replaced with compassion.
If you’d like a safe place to begin that process, I offer a free 15-minute discovery call, no pressure, just a chance to see if counselling feels like the right step for you.
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