“Why Do Boundaries Feel So Hard?” Healing Safety, Self-Worth, and the Pull of Old Attachments
- luezzell9
- Nov 2
- 3 min read
Why Do Boundaries Feel So Hard?
You might find yourself thinking, “I know I should set boundaries… so why do I freeze when I try?”
Maybe you say yes when you mean no. Maybe you find yourself back in situations that hurt you. Or maybe you set a boundary, but the guilt that follows feels unbearable.
It can leave you wondering: “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just protect myself?”
The truth is nothing is wrong with you. Boundaries feel hard because your nervous system is wired for survival, not rejection.
When Boundaries Once Felt Unsafe
If you’ve experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect, you may have learned early on that boundaries weren’t safe.
Saying no might have led to conflict, punishment, or rejection.
Speaking up for yourself may have been ignored — or worse, used against you.
People-pleasing or staying silent might have been what kept you safe.
These weren’t weaknesses. They were survival strategies.
But now, in your present life, those same strategies can leave you stuck in unhealthy patterns, unable to say no, or feeling guilty when you do.
Addiction as the Attachment That Never Left
For some people, boundaries aren’t just hard with others — they’re also hard with themselves.
If you’ve lived with attachment trauma, addiction can feel like the one relationship that never abandons you.
It’s always there.
It doesn’t reject you.
It numbs the pain when nothing else feels safe.
Addiction often becomes a substitute for the secure attachment that wasn’t available. But while it may feel reliable, it can’t give the safety, love, or connection you truly need.
Healing isn’t about blaming yourself for turning to addiction. It’s about understanding it as an attachment wound and learning new ways to build safe connections that don’t harm you.
Why Self-Worth Feels Fragile
Without a strong sense of self-worth, boundaries feel almost impossible. Abuse, neglect, and addiction can convince you that your needs don’t matter, or that love must be earned.
But boundaries are built on worth. They’re not walls to keep people out. They’re bridges that let safe people in, while protecting you from harm.
Every time you set a boundary, you’re not pushing people away, you’re saying: “I matter. My wellbeing matters.”
What Healing Might Look Like
In counselling, healing boundaries and self-worth doesn’t happen overnight. But over time, you can begin to:
Notice patterns — when guilt, shame, or fear stop you from protecting yourself.
Understand your survival strategies — recognising they once kept you safe.
Practice new responses — saying no, taking space, or choosing differently.
Build safety in connection — learning what it feels like to be seen and respected.
It’s not about tearing down your armour. It’s about slowly showing your nervous system that boundaries are safe, that self-worth is possible, and that connection doesn’t have to hurt.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve ever wondered, “Why do I keep ending up here again?” or “Why do boundaries feel so impossible for me?” you’re not failing. You’re carrying survival strategies from a time when they kept you safe.
Boundaries, safety, and self-worth aren’t things you should just “know how” to do. They’re things you can learn, gently, in safe spaces.
If you’d like to explore what this could look like for you, I offer a free 15-minute discovery call, no pressure, just a chance to see if counselling feels like the right step for you.
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