You've always been the one who gives more: how to prioritise yourself and set boundaries

THE ISSUE

Lucy came to counselling after the breakdown of a relationship. She described it as the first time she had felt truly seen, understood, and prioritised by a partner. It had felt like a safe space.

When the relationship ended, she was devastated. In the early stages of our work, the focus was on grief. She described crying constantly and feeling unable to be present in her day-to-day life.

At the same time, her mother’s response felt harsh and dismissive. Lucy experienced this as deeply hurtful, particularly as it echoed an earlier moment where she had felt a lack of empathy and emotional support.

This became an important thread in our work.

As we continued, Lucy began to speak about a long-standing belief: that if she were somehow “better”—more confident, more attractive, more outgoing—she would finally feel happy and chosen. Underneath this was a deep longing to be cared for, valued, and prioritised.

It became clear that these beliefs hadn’t started in adulthood. They had been there for as long as she could remember.

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THE WORK

As our work deepened, Lucy began to explore her early experiences. She described growing up in a family shaped by separation, loss, and changing parental figures. Her biological father had left when she was young, and although there had been some early contact, it eventually stopped. Much of what she “knew” about that time had come from what she had been told, rather than what she could remember or feel connected to.

Later in life, after Lucy had had her son, her father made contact. This came about after her sister connected with one of his family members on social media, which led to the discovery of a genetic condition within the family. Lucy felt anger that this information had not been shared earlier, as it had taken away her ability to make informed choices about having children. She also experienced his communication as self-focused, with little acknowledgement of the impact on his daughters.

Lucy also spoke about her marriage, which had been abusive. She described coercion, control, gaslighting, and threats of violence. Alongside caring for her son, she had also taken on responsibility for her partner’s children and remained deeply involved in his family.

One of the strongest themes that emerged in our work was Lucy’s longing for a close, safe family dynamic—something she recognised she had never truly experienced.

As a young person, Lucy had taken on a caregiving role within her family. She supported her sisters emotionally, cared for them in the evenings, and carried responsibilities that went far beyond her age. She was also drawn into adult situations, including being asked to monitor her stepfather’s behaviour during her mother’s relationship difficulties.

Later, when another of her mother’s relationships ended, this led to stalking behaviour that affected both Lucy and her mother. Lucy attended court proceedings, witnessing the seriousness of the situation first-hand.

There were also ongoing experiences of control from her ex-husband even after the relationship ended, including a significant invasion of privacy involving her son’s device.

Throughout our work, Lucy kept returning to a painful question: “Why does no one love me enough to choose me, care for me, or put me first?”

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THE RESOLUTION

She began to recognise that she was giving out exactly what she longed to receive—care, love, validation—but was not experiencing this in return.

Together, we explored the expectations that had been placed on her to be an adult before she was emotionally ready. I supported Lucy in reflecting on her role within her family, particularly as her mother’s confidant, and how this may have shaped her sense of self-worth and her relationships.

We also explored how love, for Lucy, had become closely linked with caring for others and meeting their needs.

A key part of our work focused on boundaries. We explored what a boundary actually is—not just saying what isn’t acceptable, but what you do when that line is crossed. Lucy began to understand boundaries as a way of telling herself: I matter too.

We also looked at the boundaries she held with herself—what she would accept, what she would tolerate, and where she ended and another person began.

Alongside this, I supported Lucy in beginning to notice her body more. We explored what her responses felt like physically and what they might be trying to communicate. She recognised that feeling hypervigilant and disconnected had come to feel “safe,” not because it was healthy, but because it was familiar.

We also used empty chair work to process things she had never been able to say to her ex-husband. This created space for her to express what had been held in for a long time.

At one point, Lucy returned briefly to the relationship that had initially brought her into counselling. This became an important part of the work. She began to see more clearly that she had been making herself smaller to maintain what she believed was a safe connection.

Although that relationship ended again, Lucy recognised something had shifted. She had reached a point where she was also prepared to walk away. She could see that her needs were not being met, that her boundaries were not being respected, and that she deserved more than this.

As our work continued, Lucy became more curious about her past. Looking at old photos and videos led her to question some of the narratives she had been given about her childhood. While this didn’t change her feelings about her father, it did open up questions about her relationship with her mother.

She began to recognise patterns of parentification and reflect on how often she had been placed in the role of the adult. She also noticed how her mother could withdraw or react emotionally when things didn’t go her way.

This led Lucy to question wider family dynamics, including her relationships with her sisters.

Later, Lucy began dating again, using this as an opportunity to practise her boundaries. She noticed that when relationships didn’t involve intensity, love bombing, or fast progression, her body felt unsettled.

But this time, something was different.

She was able to recognise what was happening, stay with the discomfort, and respond differently.

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CONTINUED WORK

Lucy is now more connected to her emotional and physical experience. She is beginning to trust what her body is telling her and recognise these signals as important, rather than something to override. She is prioritising herself and setting boundaries.

Our work is ongoing and is currently focused on understanding how her early experiences continue to shape her sense of self, her relationships, and her ability to feel worthy of being chosen—not for what she gives, but for who she is.

NOTE: This case study is based on real therapeutic work and is shared with permission. Names and identifying details have been changed to protect confidentiality. Some details have been adapted to ensure anonymity while keeping the experience represented accurately.