“Why Can’t I Just Let It Go?” — Understanding the Nervous System’s Role in Healing, Holding On, and Letting Go

Why Can’t I Just Let It Go?

You might find yourself thinking, “I just don’t want to think about it anymore.” You’re tired of feeling stuck in the same cycle. Tired of how much space it still takes up in your mind. You want peace, closure, clarity, anything that would help it stop affecting you in the way it does.

And to make things more confusing, people who care about you, who don’t want to see you in pain anymore, might say things like, “You’ve got to let it go,” or “Try not to think about it.”

Part of you might agree. You’re trying. You want to move on. But for some reason, it keeps coming back.

When Letting Go Isn’t That Simple

Some people come to counselling telling me they just want to “get it all out” and then move on. But often, when they’ve tried this in the past, the relief has only been temporary and they’re left wondering why it still comes up again and again.

The truth is, letting go isn’t a decision we can make in our heads if our body doesn’t feel safe enough to follow.

If your sense of safety or worth felt conditional, whether in childhood or in past relationships, your nervous system may have adapted in ways that helped you cope at the time. Maybe you learned to stay quiet, to be agreeable, to put others first, to stay invisible, or even to become angry or distant to protect yourself.

These aren’t character flaws. They’re survival strategies, ways your body and mind tried to keep you safe in environments where it didn’t feel okay to simply be yourself.

Over time, those patterns can become so familiar that even when things have changed, letting go of the past doesn’t feel like an option. Letting go can feel alien, even risky.

It’s not just about the situation or the person you’re trying to forget. Often, it’s about the deeper fear of what it meant at the time such as feeling rejected, unimportant, or not good enough. These beliefs can linger quietly under the surface, even if you don’t consciously think them.

 What Letting Go Might Actually Look Like

Letting go isn’t about pretending something didn’t hurt. It’s not about ignoring the impact or rushing through it. In counselling, we work to understand what letting go actually means for you.

It might look like:

• Trusting your own boundaries — and knowing that protecting your emotional wellbeing isn’t selfish

• Recognising that your feelings are valid, even if others don’t fully understand them

• Listening to what your emotions are telling you, and responding with care rather than judgment

• Allowing yourself to stop explaining or justifying why it affected you

  
  

Sometimes, letting go starts with accepting that it wasn’t your fault, your nervous system did it’s job and kept you safe, and you did the best you could do at that time.   You will need to forgive yourself for not finding it as easy as you and others think that it should be.

 Letting Go Starts With Safety

Your nervous system is wired to protect you. That racing heart, tense body, urge to shut down aren’t flaws. They’re survival responses that helped you get through what you didn’t yet have the tools or support to process.

Counselling isn’t about forcing those defences away. It’s about working with them, understanding what they’ve been doing for you, and gently creating more space to choose differently.

We don’t remove your armour, we honour it, and support your system in learning that it no longer has to brace for danger in the same way.

Letting Go Doesn’t Have to Be Done Alone

Trying to let go on your own can feel overwhelming, especially if your past taught you to handle everything by yourself. You might keep it all inside, telling yourself not to be a burden, or thinking you should be able to move on by now.

Sometimes clients tell me they wish they’d started counselling sooner. They wonder why it took them so long to reach out and often carry shame around that delay. But the truth is, it’s not that you didn’t want to move forward… it’s that your nervous system didn’t yet feel safe enough to.

Staying stuck isn’t a personal failure, it’s a survival strategy. But the longer those patterns go unworked with, the more they quietly shape our self-worth, relationships, and ability to feel free in our own lives.

But we’re not wired to do this kind of healing alone. Feeling emotionally safe often happens through connecting with others, when someone sees you, listens without judgement, and helps you make sense of what you’re carrying.

In counselling, that’s what we work towards. Not just talking about what happened, but creating a space where your nervous system can begin to feel safe enough to soften, to trust, and eventually, to let go.

 Final Thoughts

If you’ve ever wondered, “Why can’t I just let this go?” you’re not alone, and you’re not failing. Sometimes, what we call “stuck” is actually the nervous system doing its best to protect us, even long after the danger has passed.

Letting go doesn’t start with forgetting. It starts with understanding, safety, and support.

If you’d like a space to begin that process, I offer a free 15-minute discovery call, no pressure, just a chance to see if counselling feels like the right fit for you.

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